I miss you much…

Why do we miss people?

I was driving around the other day (sorry, I didn’t have internet until yesterday and so I wasn’t able to work on my blog) and I saw a Harbor Freight store and started crying.

WHY??!!

INSIDE OUT, from left: Sadness (voice: Phyllis Smith), Joy (voice: Amy Poehler), 2015. © Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures / courtesy Everett Collection

In that moment a flood of memories of Mark came rushing in and I missed him. And I hated that I missed him. He dumped me. Out of the blue with no explanation, no matter how many times I asked. I should have nothing but negative feelings and thoughts toward him. But I don’t. And I got really annoyed with myself because I don’t want to miss him. It hurts to miss him. I get sad. I’m tired of being sad. It’s been 2 months for crying out loud!!!

It got me to thinking about why do we miss people?

So let me just start off by saying that there are a lot of really great songs about missing people. The Rolling Stones did Miss You in 1978. John Waite sang Missing You in 1984. In 1989 Natalie Cole sang Miss You Like Crazy and Janet Jackson gave us Miss You Much. That’s just to name a few.

So I’m in good company, missing someone, right? But WHY??

I’ll also share I miss other people too. I miss my Grandma Carter on most holidays because it’s when I usually saw her. And truth be told, it was just about the only time my family in town got together – to see Grandma, or so Grandma could see us. I miss my dad every time I have issue with my car. Though sometimes he did really odd things to fix things in general, he always knew what to do with the car. And I do not. I miss my high school sweetheart, Darin.

It was in realizing I miss Darin that made me think, do I ACTUALLY miss the person, or do I miss the events and feelings that we created together?

I can’t actually miss Darin. I haven’t seen or heard from him for 20 years-ish. I don’t even KNOW him any more. I enjoyed the feeling of being loved in a high school/college kinda way. I savored the fun we had at Westport Plaza or driving around in his cute little Spitfire convertible. I miss those feelings and experiences.

I miss the feeling of my loving family gathering together for the holidays. I miss the way Grandma made me feel like I was the most important person in the world, when I was with her. She did that my entire life!! I miss baking cookies and washing the dishes at the sink with her. I miss her telling me I was her favorite grandchild – and the sweet little smile when she said, “but don’t tell the others.”

I miss knowing my dad knew how to physically fix everything if I needed help. I miss him coming in my room at night, after we had disagreed about something, me pretending to be asleep and him telling why he saw things the way he did and how he was sorry he upset me and that he loved me.

I miss the laughter I shared with Mark about the silly day to day happenings in our life. I miss snuggling up on the couch with him, his arm wrapped about me, feeling like my rough day just disappeared, never to be seen again. I miss traveling and seeing the great southwest in our RV. It was my dream life. I miss talking about and planning our future. I miss how beautiful he made me feel.

So maybe it’s not that I miss the person. What if I am afraid I won’t ever have those positive experiences again and I am sad about that? Maybe I’m afraid I won’t find those positive experiences again. Maybe I am afraid I won’t connect with someone like I connected with them.

I turned to the great Googles, and here are some other website I found that talk about why we miss people.

These are really great articles and have some interesting perspectives. And honestly, I kinda feel a little better about missing people.

You know what’s really weird… I don’t miss either of my ex-husbands.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this matter too. Leave me a comment!

The journey begins…

O-dark-30 and away we go!

I was so excited and nervous all at the same time so I woke up around 4:30 am and couldn’t go back to sleep. My mom had already been up for a few hours.

After laying in bed for awhile, I decided I might as well get up and get on the road. Today was going to be my longest day. Not only time and distance wise, but terrain wise as well. Between Phoenix, AZ and my first stop would be mountains and snow. Yes, I said snow. Even though it is the end of March, the high country was getting snow.

I got up and loaded the last of the snacks, cooler and my travel companion, Tyson the Peacock, into the front of the truck and we were off.



First stop, ice for the cooler!

But first, I needed ice for my cooler to keep my soda cold. Priorities, right? So I stopped at the Cobblestone Gas Station at the corner to “fill up”. I had Diet Pepsi and Sprite Zero packed. And some string cheese and 6 peanut butter and strawberry jelly sammiches my mom made me. And…

My mom pulled up next to me in her truck. I forgot my Trulicity in her fridge… She remember and brought it to me. Mom’s always have our backs, no matter how old we are.

So I got the ice and a large Diet Pepsi and hit the road. Next stop, Payson, to say good-bye to Denise.

Payson is a better/sweet for me.

Payson is sweet because Denise lives there, first and foremost. Denise and I have been friends for 24 years. We worked together at ExecuTrain. She was a trainer and I ran the front office. We hit it off right away and have not stopped being an important part of each other’s lives ever since. We have had some great times. I’ll reminisce about those times in another post.

Payson is bitter because Mark, my ex-boyfriend who just dumped me and started this whole journey, and I spent a good amount of time RVing there. We had so much fun there. We stayed in Houston Mesa a few times. That’s where he told me he loved me for the first time. We stayed in Rye, and my friend Anita and her husband, Steve, came up and stayed with us. We tooled around the different thrift stores and shopped and enjoyed a few dinners out. And we stored the RV for a number of months at Patriot RV and Boat Storage.

It was so much fun for me. Great memories.

And now to realize it was all fake, it’s so hard to be in that space.

I feel betrayed, fooled, foolish for falling for it all. I feel frustrated. I feel like I can’t trust my instincts anymore. Aggravated, disappointed. So many things. When I drive through Payson, everything reminds me of the happy times and I miss those happy times and I am pissed I am not going to have them again.

So here comes the emotional journey part.

It’s OK for me to miss the happiness we had together. It’s OK to want that in my life. It’s OK for me to be sad about the end of our relationship.

I didn’t see it coming.

I keep going over and over and over in my head EVERYTHING. What did I miss? What did I do wrong? What should I have done differently? I honestly can’t think of a single thing.

And he says I didn’t do or not do anything to cause this. He just wants to live alone. Not to divulge too much personal information about him, but he does have some issues and quit possibly it really is him and not me. Is that my ego embracing that?

I am on a journey to become a better person all on my own accord. I started seeing a councilor about 6 months ago to help me work on some of my own things I’d like to do better. It was really great to have an established relationship with a councilor when all this went down. He really helped me work through a lot and fast.

My councilor and I talked about maybe Mark was going to hold me back. Maybe God put it on his heart to let me go now so I could soar to new heights on my own tomorrow. Who knows. I know I am still sad some days and I know it’s OK to still be sad some days.

I also know I am just fine on my own, and for once in my life, don’t feel the urge to find a new boyfriend.

So I made it to Payson, AZ and said good-bye to Denise and Sage, her beautiful Great Pyrenees. I told her, it’s not “good-bye”, but rather “see you later”. We already have a trip planned for the end of May – Lord willing we can travel by then!

She gave me a bag with some toilet paper, paper towels, disinfectant wipes and fancy hospital grade blue gloves. All so I don’t pick up a bug on my trip. She is so thoughtful. I love her dearly!

Gas stop!

My next stop would be for gas at Circle K just outside of Payson right on highway 260. It was actually Denise’s idea to take a picture of Tyson everytime I stopped and post it on Facebook with a note of where I was at. That way, if I disappeared along my trip, everyone would know where I was last and know where to start looking for me. Pretty smart if you ask me.

I never let my tank get under a half a tank of gas, and that was about all I could go without needing to empty my bladder either. So Speedy’s Truck Stop was my next stop in Lupton, AZ.

I have to say, I was really thankful the price of gas went down so low for this trip. Gas was $1.98 here.

I’m pretty picky about where I sit to relieve myself too. I can’t stand a dirty bathroom. When my ex-husband, Chris, and I were moving from Phoenix, AZ to Green Bay, WI, I would only stop at truck stops or McDonald’s. Regular gas stations were out of the question. They are NEVER clean enough. Anyway, you will see a theme to my bathroom/gas breaks on this trip too.

My last stop was in Santa Rosa, NM. Let me tell you about that whole mess!

So I pulled off Highway 40, and got on my phone to look up a Wyndham Hotel. You see, as much travel as I did for work, I had accumulated enough points to stay for one night free. Yay!! So, the Wyndham App said there was a room available at the Travelodge, so I booked it. And then I hit the Directions button to get directions to said hotel I had just booked.

The map app took me to the Travelodge in Vaughn, NM. It was a 41 minute drive away from the highway. First, I can’t find the hotel. So I call and a very unhappy person answers the phone and basically makes me feel like an idiot because I didn’t see the tiny sign hidden behind the diner as I came in. When I do get there, and see a sign that says to check in at the diner. Now, mind you, we are under quarantine because of COVID-19 and most restaurants are closed. So I go in the diner.

I let the gal at the “front desk” know I’m here to check in. She asks my name and proceeds to tell me I don’t have a reservation. I show her my phone with the confirmation. She continues to tell me she doesn’t care what my phone says, it’s not in her computer. We go back and forth. I’m trying REALLY hard not to come unglued. I’m hungry, I’m tired from driving for 10 hours, and I can’t stand rude and incompetent people. I’m a 3w4sx. It’s just who I am. Again, something I was trying to work on with the councilor for I got derailed. She tells me theirs nothing she can do and to call the app because it’s their mistake. So I hit the Call button on my confirmation and get connected to a very pleasant person, tell her the situation and she proceeds to tell me I’m at the wrong Travelodge and she has my reservation at her location. I find out where that location is and leave the awful place I was standing. Thank God!!

45 minutes later, 4 minutes from where I had exited the highway is a beautiful, pleasant little Travelodge with a room that has my name on it. I was so thankful the lady at this front desk was so pleasant and kind. I told her of my terrible experience and she was appalled that anyone would treat any customer that way. I was too. Anyway, she got me checked in to my room.

All set and ready for bed!

I got into the room, got a nice hot shower. Made a few phone calls to let a few people know I had made it here. Talked to my sweet sister, Kelly, for about 2 hours and then sacked out.

While talking to Kelly, we discovered I had driven further than I thought and I would make it to her house by tomorrow night. I was thrilled!!

What a great first day of my trip!! One down, two more to go! I got this!!