A Walk in the Park

Today I decided to take myself to Forrest Park. I haven’t been to Forrest Park to walk around, well, ever. I’ve been to the Zoo, which is across the street, but I can’t remember just walking around Forrest Park ever.

As I walked around, listening to the birds chirping, the water rushing, the people talking, I found myself smiling. I realized I couldn’t help myself. I am so happy. I am truly happy. I stopped and sat on a bench and tried to remember the last time I smiled because I just was happy. Then I realized I had actually been doing that a lot lately. I am happy.

Core Weakness

Our core weakness is what causes us to stumble in life. It’s what trips us up when we think we have it all together. The good news is, we are not destined to be stuck in our weakness.

As an Enneagram Type 3, my core weakness is deceit.

My core weakness: a polished persona.  Plumage Peacock Feather Pride Bird  - music4life / Pixabay

I think I am only the image I present to others. I embellish the truth by putting on a polished persona for everyone, including myself, feeling I can only be loved by appearing or feeling accomplished. I avoid failure at all costs. I shape shift into any image that helps me appear successful and hide anything that doesn’t conform to this image, bragging, flaunting my accomplishments, dressing well or owning expensive items.

The good news is, I already have it all through Jesus.

I’m sitting here on furlough, discovering today that this week’s payment has been denied. Rent is due this weekend. I am freaked out. I do this to myself. I buy things that I really don’t NEED. I could sit here and just watch TV. i don’t need to crochet a blanket for my bed? I don’t need to can food. I don’t need plants on my porch. I tell myself I need these things to keep me from being bored. I want to portray an “I’m doing fine image to everyone around me. Truth is, everyone around me would completely understand if I wasn’t fine. So here I am, freaking out because I have $600 to my name and I need about $1000 to pay all my bill that are due this coming weekend.

Core weakness

You know what? I’ll be fine. I can pay them late. I know they will understand because of the shape our world is in.

I can learn from this moment and stop spending money. I need to eat everything in this house before I buy anything more. I have plenty to entertain myself with here.

Core Weakness:  God is on control

And just like that, I am no longer freaked out! I am sure I will have a couple more moments, but God’s in control and I am not. And that’s a good thing. It gives me peace. So is this a polished persona?? UGH!!

Core Desires

Today I am thinking about my core desires as a Type 3 in the Enneagram. They are the things that I am always pushing towards. My positive motivations, if you will. They are what I believe deep down will satisfy all my cravings, make me feel whole and make my life complete.

Surprisingly, it’s not a man.

Here’s the list of core desires:

  • high status
  • being successful
  • admired
  • valuable
  • competent
  • accomplished

This is why I am always striving to reach lofty goals, so I get the attention, affirmation and respect from those around me.

The Desire for Money Finance Business Success  - nattanan23 / Pixabay

I look at my life and for the most part, I do not feel like success. I don’t even make my age annually. Someone told me when I was about 32 that as a woman, I should try to have my income at least match if not supersede my age times $1000 annually. So at 32 i should have been making $32,000 a year. I don’t do that. In fact, I am just now barely making enough to be able to afford to live on my own.

I am very proud of finally making it to this point. I can give you all me excuses.

I was a single mom that had to balance 2 kids, work, hobbies, friends, other family, all on my own. My ex-husband was a dead beat and it wasn’t until my kids were well into their 20s before the state decided to track him down and make him pay the back child support he owed. THAT put a strain on me. I did my best to do it all AND to make it look easy, but it wasn’t. I’m a worn out hot mess now.

My desires to Head Beyond Clouds Sky  - geralt / Pixabay

Because I was a single mom, I didn’t feel like I could climb the corporate ladder. Who was going to take care of my kids while I was on business trips? Or working later than I already was? I had the opportunity but choose not to so I could be an OK mom to my kids. They already didn’t have a dad around.

My alleged best friend, that I worked with for a while, turned into a psycho B!+@# and I couldn’t handle working with her anymore. So I left that really good job. I really enjoyed that job and wished she would have left instead. It worked out OK because I would have felt guilty leaving when…

Desire for friends

I was an idiot and followed my 2nd ex-husband every time he decided to move. OK, it was only twice over 10 years. Me leaving him was the 3rd time and each time MY work life was disrupted. I did make some great friends from those moves. Ladies I still visit with on Facebook to this day. In fact, now that I am living back in the Midwest, closer to those gals, I am going to take a trip up to spend a long weekend with them, hopefully on a quarterly basis, after this crazy COVID-19 is gone.

When my last boyfriend, whom I lived with, dumped me out of the blue, it was just the shove I needed to look around and see what I could do to step up my game in my work life. Funny thing is, I found a job at another Council doing the exact same thing I absolutely loved doing in Phoenix for $10,000 a year more. AND the cost of living is 2/3 of what it is in Phoenix. That’s how I now have my very first place of my own – ever.

So as you can see from my life’s path, these desires are what drive me to be my best, but they also make me feel my worst.

how the gospel fulfills our core desires

Here’s a little secret, that I know, but mostly always forget: God has already given all my core desires through Jesus. He did it without even looking at my actions. He did it just because I exist!

He gave me such amazing skills and I want to use them to the best of my ability to shoe Him how thankful I am for these gifts. AND even if I didn’t do anything worth writing home about, He still loves me and finds me to be amazing! What a concept, huh?