Today I am thinking about my core desires as a Type 3 in the Enneagram. They are the things that I am always pushing towards. My positive motivations, if you will. They are what I believe deep down will satisfy all my cravings, make me feel whole and make my life complete.
Surprisingly, it’s not a man.
Here’s the list of core desires:
- high status
- being successful
This is why I am always striving to reach lofty goals, so I get the attention, affirmation and respect from those around me.
I look at my life and for the most part, I do not feel like success. I don’t even make my age annually. Someone told me when I was about 32 that as a woman, I should try to have my income at least match if not supersede my age times $1000 annually. So at 32 i should have been making $32,000 a year. I don’t do that. In fact, I am just now barely making enough to be able to afford to live on my own.
I am very proud of finally making it to this point. I can give you all me excuses.
I was a single mom that had to balance 2 kids, work, hobbies, friends, other family, all on my own. My ex-husband was a dead beat and it wasn’t until my kids were well into their 20s before the state decided to track him down and make him pay the back child support he owed. THAT put a strain on me. I did my best to do it all AND to make it look easy, but it wasn’t. I’m a worn out hot mess now.
Because I was a single mom, I didn’t feel like I could climb the corporate ladder. Who was going to take care of my kids while I was on business trips? Or working later than I already was? I had the opportunity but choose not to so I could be an OK mom to my kids. They already didn’t have a dad around.
My alleged best friend, that I worked with for a while, turned into a psycho B!+@# and I couldn’t handle working with her anymore. So I left that really good job. I really enjoyed that job and wished she would have left instead. It worked out OK because I would have felt guilty leaving when…
I was an idiot and followed my 2nd ex-husband every time he decided to move. OK, it was only twice over 10 years. Me leaving him was the 3rd time and each time MY work life was disrupted. I did make some great friends from those moves. Ladies I still visit with on Facebook to this day. In fact, now that I am living back in the Midwest, closer to those gals, I am going to take a trip up to spend a long weekend with them, hopefully on a quarterly basis, after this crazy COVID-19 is gone.
When my last boyfriend, whom I lived with, dumped me out of the blue, it was just the shove I needed to look around and see what I could do to step up my game in my work life. Funny thing is, I found a job at another Council doing the exact same thing I absolutely loved doing in Phoenix for $10,000 a year more. AND the cost of living is 2/3 of what it is in Phoenix. That’s how I now have my very first place of my own – ever.
So as you can see from my life’s path, these desires are what drive me to be my best, but they also make me feel my worst.
Here’s a little secret, that I know, but mostly always forget: God has already given all my core desires through Jesus. He did it without even looking at my actions. He did it just because I exist!
He gave me such amazing skills and I want to use them to the best of my ability to shoe Him how thankful I am for these gifts. AND even if I didn’t do anything worth writing home about, He still loves me and finds me to be amazing! What a concept, huh?